Dee

I'm pretty lucky, I guess.  I have not been touched by the death of very many people yet.  A few relatives have died in my lifetime, but I wasn't super close to them.  The death of my grandmother was the hardest, and I really felt like I barely knew her.  Maybe that's why this feels so new.

It seems so strange to lose a friend.  I will miss her.  She was a very good person.  She was caring and generous to a fault.  I think she only ever thought of others.

She was angry when she first got the diagnosis of ALS.  She had always been the center of the family - the leader, the matriarch.  She always organized everything, hosted everything, did everything for everyone.  And now she would have to give that all up and let everyone else take care of her.  It must have been very difficult for her, but when the time came, she did it with dignity.

It happened so fast.  When she told us what the doctors said she had, I looked it up.  Typical life expectancy after diagnosis is 3-5 years.  I knew right away that it wasn't going to be her reality.  The disease was already progressing so quickly.  February marks the one-year anniversary of her official diagnosis.

Dee was the mother of my best friend in junior high and high school.  I remember one time when I was pregnant with Cody, I went to their house to spend the night.  It was a very difficult time in my life.  Being pregnant as a teen, I received the whole range of reactions.  Dee surprised me by being on the kindest end of that range.  She comforted me and encouraged me with her words of painfully similar experience.  She told me everything would be alright and she would help me if I ever needed it.  At the time, those words were enough.

Flash forward a decade or so.  I had lost track of my friend after high school, but found her again through the Internet.  I wouldn't say we picked up right where we left off (neither of us was the same person we had been 10 years earlier), but we were instant friends again.  That close friendship allowed me to feel free to share with her when the troubles in my marriage got bad a couple of years later.  I knew I'd soon need to leave and I'd need a job.

My friend told her mom about my need, and it just so happened that she was a supervisor where she worked and would soon need a temporary worker.  As soon as the position was available, Dee whisked me right in.  I knew I'd gotten a lucky break.  I knew I'd had an unfair advantage over all the other people looking for work.  And it was all due to Dee.  I wanted to pay her back.  I worked so hard to prove to my coworkers that I deserved the job, that Dee wasn't just playing favorites.  She always helped me, and she always defended me when I messed up.

Me and Dee at work in 2008

I had only worked there for a few months when Ben and I decided to give our marriage another try.  She was very concerned for me, but expressed her support of my decision.

And now I'm getting choked up...

I will never forget her part in the miracle of my second life.  Things were getting bad with Ben again.  I knew my leaving a second time was eminent, but I hadn't told anyone yet because I was embarrassed.  My friend came up to visit us about this time, completely unaware of my anxiety and heartache.  She said she had a message from her mom: she was looking for a temp worker again wanted to know if there was any way I was available.  My friend laughed, "I told her you wouldn't be interested."  

I told my friend everything that was going on and that I was interested - very interested - in the job.  But I was still hoping to work things out with Ben, and even if I moved out, I wanted to wait until the end of the school year for the kids' sake.  

Dee held that job for me for almost 6 months.  I don't know how she did it or what trouble she must have gone to in order to make sure it was available when I showed up on her doorstep in June, but it was there waiting for me.  I don't know if she ever knew what a miracle that was to me.

She often took me aside and talked to me about life.  How were the kids?  Was everything going okay?  She always thought of other people before herself.  And then, when she knew she'd have to leave work soon, she gave me a raise.  She didn't say anything to me.  It wasn't scheduled.  It just showed up in my paycheck. I considered it her final gift to me.

When I went to say goodbye to her in the hospital yesterday, she did almost all the talking.  Though it was evident that every barely-audible whisper caused her immense pain, she took the effort of her last hours on earth to tell me that she was proud of me, that she hoped everything would turn out okay for me, and she asked how my kids were doing. 

I felt honored but extremely out of place there in her hospital room full of only immediate family.  I knew they had already turned away others.  I made my visit very, very short.

On my way back to work, I pondered on how much her passing from this life must have been similar to her entering into it.  She was in the hospital with family, just waiting.  In a way, I think that must be a nice way to go.  No surprises.  Just knowing the end of this battle is near, and waiting with your family for Jesus to come and take you home.

I will miss you so much, Dee.  This world is a better place because you were here for a short 52 years.